I hate how I still have to put up walls to protect myself from you. I seem to be overthinking you more than ever these days. You asked me to go home with you for Christmas because you want me to meet people. Do you really not understand how big that is? Are you going to try to do all this without making a commitment to me?
Why the fuck am I too scared to say things like this to you whenever I see you?
-B
I know I shouldn’t care, but I still do.
-B
I’m tired of reading your bullshit about how your friends are shit. You have friends that make special trips out to come see you and constantly communicate with you. They actually pay you back in a semi-timely manner and they don’t only call you when it is convenient for them. It sucks being the friend that they only call because they have a car. Congratulations, you wormed your way into the girls club which is super exclusive. Eventually you need to realize that your friends aren’t shit and substances bring out shitty emotions.
-B
I really miss the times gone before us. I miss when we were kids and the worlds we lived in were unrealistic, yet realistic. They were about 100 million times bigger than we are. We thought that anything could happen. Rolling down a slope was normal for us, we loved it. Our mothers shouting at us just meant that we were doing things right. That hill in the woods was EPIC! It was life as we knew it. Our mothers were there. We knew we were safe. But if we were out of their sight we would think we were invisible, but really, we were still in their sight. We played bikini eye oh, we thought life could be no more fun than playing blind’s man buff in your parents’ bedroom, hopping off armchairs, gliding in between wardrobes and stools, we were in heaven.
So here we are again, in the days of non-communication. We haven’t talked since our trip and I’ve only seen you twice since then. Both times I barely saw you due to your McDonald’s run and being wrapped up in your boyfriend. I hate how every time you get a new boy, you spend all your time with them. If you’re not with them, you just spend time talking about them. All throughout our trip, you’d just bring up the current one for no reason at all. I don’t like feeling like your friends come second priority to your relationships. In this short time of being your friend, we’re in your 4th relationship and each time you get a new one seems to get a little worse. Enough with this boy shit, let’s move on.
Now we’re gonna get to the important shit. At the last birthday celebration that we had with friends, I was a little upset to see that you gave the birthday lady one. I don’t even remember the last time you gave me a present. I’m not quite sure you ever have. I’m not upset for the fact that you haven’t gotten me a present, I’m more upset for the fact that you owe me money and you aren’t paying me back or at least making an effort. You always tell me you’ll repay me for this or that, but when I ask for some repayment at times, you get real shitty about it. And the way you get real shitty about things sucks too. I know you’re having your financial issues, and I feel like an ass in the off chance that I do actually ask you for things, but I can’t help but get upset when you are spending on other friends or ridiculously for yourself.
I hate being resentful, but you don’t seem to be making any measures to change. Once I said that I didn’t feel like my friends were there for me recently. I heard that you said some shit about how I don’t call you. Phones work both ways, love. You can always call or text. My phone is rarely off. I’ve given up texting people except for my pseudo-husband because that’s a two way relationship. I don’t know if I can get back to that level of trust I used to have in you, but I know I won’t be able to if you don’t attempt to make any changes at all.
-B
I couldn’t sleep again tonight. You’ve ruined my bed for me.
Thanks for that.
-B
Just last night when we were driving around, you told me you don’t like talking on the phone about nothing. Yet tonight, while you were waiting around for a friend to sneak out, you called me. It’s cool and everything, I just think it’s kind of funny and confuses me a little bit.
-B
There are too many people from my daily life that follow my personal tumblr, I started my blog so I could vent and document my days. Once I wasn’t able to vent without people bitching, I got resentful and frustrated. Some may think of this as a coward’s way out, this is just my way of keeping my life a little less dramatic.
-B
I wish that our whatever we’re calling this shit hasn’t come down to the point of open letters on the internet, but clearly you aren’t calling me back anytime soon. Are you ever coming back home? It seems kind of fishy that your week long trip to visit your mom has unexpectedly turned into at least 6 weeks. How come one of my boys, who hasn’t even met you, has come up to me saying that he’s heard that you’re not coming back. After you disappeared the first time you disappeared, you promised that you wouldn’t do it again. I prepared myself for this, but it doesn’t sting any less. You seemed to be making progress with us, I was even starting to let down the wall that I’ve built for obviously good reason. I hate being in this limbo, not knowing what is going on with us. If you’re done, that’s fine. I just need to know. I hate being that girl who is obsessing over why that certain boy just doesn’t like her. I hate not being able to tell you this myself. I hate that I have to play off this hurt once again. If you decide to have a heart and clue me in, you have my number.
-[Hopefully] your favorite star
